I guess I
am a little tired.
I've deliberately tried to keep it all at a distance, but everything is getting so big right now and I'm approaching a breaking point. I feel like I have to say something. Bear with me though, I'm a pitiful, overly verbose writer and there will probably be a lot of vague references scattered throughout you won't understand. I think I'll feel better if I get it out of my system though. At least I think I will.
There's so much fighting game-related content these days. Majors, hundreds of weekly streams, personal streams, discussion shows, planned content... Even I can't consume it all. Hell, I still haven't gotten around to watching the Ricky Ortiz-Poongko match (among others) from the last Season's Beatings. I slept though half of NorCal Regionals 10 and the MLG Winter Championship from two weeks ago, and still haven't caught what I missed. I guess to some, that doesn't mean much. But as a person who tries to absorb as much content as possible, it's something that does actually bother me. Miss some content and you'll hardly have the chance to catch up.
I guess I've developed a bit of a reputation.
USD, Stream Master. Haha, I didn't make that one up. I don't really use it myself, but I guess I don't really shun it either. It all really started though with the translations I did for the AE changelog. I was doing it as much for GAF as I was doing it for myself. Wanting to test my knowledge of Japanese, my ability to translate accurately, and learn Japanese fighting game terms along the way, fueled by my need to turn everything into a competition, I worked through the list as quickly and efficiently as possible, with no guarantee of accuracy. Despite having studied Japanese for years, I was (and still am) far from fluent. I still had issues with reading comprehension, understanding context and sheer knowledge of words. I also tend to be more literal in my translations than most. That's why I was terrified when I first saw one of my translations on SRK. It didn't help that I had updated my original translation several times, and the one posted was an older version. I thought about contacting someone on the site but ultimately didn't. You don't know the sigh of relief I let out when Capcom-Unity started to do official translations for the AE Ver.2012 change list.
Then there was the Road to EVO thread. That was one of the first concentrated efforts I've made in a long time. It was about two full days of work, but I thought it was worth it. Gathering and absorbing information is something I love to do, and since I had watched nearly all the events as they happened, compiling it all wasn't too bad. A few mistakes here and there, and I never really expanded on the concept as much as I wanted, but overall I was satisfied. A lot of people are going to be expecting a sequel for this year, I'm not sure if I can pull that off again...
I'm a nobody, but a very self-conscious one, to the point that I don't really care about being loved, just not being hated. It's one several factors that keeps me out of most subjective arguments, on fighting games and most everything else. I honestly don't think that much of myself and what I do. I'm petty, naive, prone to jealousy and envy, hopelessly unambitious and incredibly immature. I'm controlling, dismissive, hypocritical, judgmental and, though I try to mask it, heavily biased (welcome to my own humanity?). Most of the thread work I do that everyone praises is the result of a bland template, an hour or so of research, and random tidbits I remember from my Twitter feed. But seeing some posts on GAF made me realize that this is bigger than myself, that I might be helping to bring interest in fighting games and the scene that might not have been there otherwise. I mean, isn't that the whole point I (or anyone) am doing this? To build awareness?
I didn't really consider myself a part of the fighting game community. And honestly, I still don't. Sure I play fighting games. Well, one fighting game at a time usually, and horribly at that. I can barely handle playing multiple characters, let alone multiple titles. I guess that still counts. Especially since the last EVO, I've been listening to and chatting with (and occasionally trolling) some of the prominent members of the community. That's where my involvement ends, however, at least to me. It's not like you need some sort of formal qualification to be a part of the FGC, but I haven't even been to a tourney before. And in my opinion, that basically doesn't make me that different from the random stream monster that says that Sp00ky is a sellout for doing Cross Assault, the one spamming DansGame in the chat, or the one trashing a game in which they had no interest in the first place.
I was supposed to go to Final Round XV, or rather, I pre-registered well in advance. But from the time of my registration and the actual event coming around, there was a bit of a change in my situation. It's not like I couldn't have gone, but being full of excuses as I always am, I opted not to go. Sometimes I wonder how long they waited, how many times they called my name before the organizers finally decided to DQ me. Even more in hindsight, I feel bad about contributing to the time issues that plagued the event. I spent the money I would have otherwise used on FRXV on Street Fighter X Tekken, as well as my first arcade stick. Haven't been playing SFXTK lately, but of course I'm using the stick a lot. I'm still learning. My DP motions are sloppy and slow, and I still can't get the double QCF motion from the 1P side consistently unless I ride the gate. The worst thing is is that I don't play as cautiously or patiently as I did on pad, and habits I thought I had gotten rid of are creeping back.
I wish I had my priorities straight. So many things in my life are changing right now, yet just as many --if not more-- are as stagnant as ever, and I can't put the blame on this building frustration on anyone but myself. I knew this was how it would be, but it's still a struggle. What makes things worse is that a situation I was trying to avoid has reared its head, and in a totally unexpected form. I guess it's pretty easy to lie through your teeth on a keyboard. I don't want people's donations, but it's not like I couldn't use the money...
Despite my general lack of direction, I don't regret any of this. When I really look at it, it has very much changed my life. But I guess it's time for me to swallow my pride. Maybe I've been obstinate for no reason at all; I'm a nobody and will continue to be so. I can't say I'm not tired, but this has been an entertaining ride so far, I want to see to where it leads.
Here's to the monsters.
